I'm definitely learning about the culture here. Specifically, I've been learning about the dating culture here. It seems to work a bit differently than in the other countries I've been to. I started getting a little pissed off last week since it's seemed lately like every single dude that I met wanted to make out immediately, with the apparent intention of having sex that same night.
So I set out to get some answers.
Our miniature little U.N. of nine countries (that is, our Portuguese class) is a great place to start any kind of cultural conversation because we've got all kinds of perspectives....nine different countries: eight expats and one local...and each person brings unique views and ideas to the group. Plus, it's all in Portuguese!
Indeed, the conclusion was that, in Brazil, people get to know each other in bed more often than beforehand, as is custom in most of the other countries I've spent time in. At first, I assumed that the individuals I was meeting simply lacked respect or didn't care about taking the time to get to know people. But now I'm realizing it's actually a cultural difference and the difference is in the order of the way things happen (this is reminding me of when I blogged about Koreans building everything from the outside in, rather than the inside out, which really got to me until I realized it was the same but just in a different order). In the U.S., you date someone for a while and get to know them and then take things the rest of the way.
In Brazil, though, it's not like this, as recently confirmed by some of the members in my jiu jitsu class. I asked how long each of them had been dating their significant others and they responded by asking if I meant when they'd actually gotten together or when they'd officially started dating, a time weeks or months later. They told me that people sleep together first to make sure they work together in that sense and that they really like each other before they start to actually date. This is actually a norm in U.S. culture too, of course, but usually before getting married...not before starting to date.
Sometimes, since I love traveling and exploring new cultures so much, I forget that parts of it can be challenging. I forget that, when something works in the opposite way that I do, that it is not wrong, but different. In Korea, it was hard for me to accept that someone telling you that you looked like crap that day was a nice thing to say and here it's difficult for me to accept that everyone you meet wants to have sex immediately. But the challenge of trying to come to a compassionate understanding of each aspect of a culture is part of the fun of the traveling game, my friends.
Here's another one for ya that's nice and different from the culture I grew up in: It's okay to have sex with your cousins here. First cousins. You can date, marry, reproduce...whatever.
Yes, completely acceptable and happens all the time...apparently mostly in the northeast.
How did I originally find out about this? The last time I was here, when I asked one of my students how she'd met her boyfriend, she responded with,
"He's my cousin."
Her English isn't very good so I assumed she'd misspoken.
I had her repeat it.
"No, but your distant relative or something?" I'd asked.
Nope. It was her mother's brother's son.
All this time, I've been sure that I'd misunderstood. But a couple of days ago, as my friend Raquel and I were translating a film transcript, we realized that it involves two siblings having sex (we were not aware of this when we accepted the job). The confusion of it all reminded me of the whole 'cousin' conversation I'd had with my student the year before so I'd decided to ask about everything in my class.
Yet again, we were off to an intriguing conversation about concepts that hadn't really occurred to me to think about a whole lot in the past. Conclusion? Yep. It's acceptable here. All of the people from Rio that I've asked about it since have said something like, "I think it's a little weird but one of my colleagues does that" or "I wouldn't do it but a friend of mine does it" or even, "My cousin is married to one of my other cousins and they have three kids." It's apparently considered a little "strange" to many but completely acceptable to everyone. Siblings dating does not seem to be an accepted practice so I don't know what's up with this movie script that we're translating but it'll all be worth it when we get that paycheck.
Yes, conversations this week have been extremely interesting and, yes, I am learning a lot. "Brazil is the country of sex" one of my jiu jitsu friends told me at the end of our conversation last night. I guess that's so. I wouldn't say that learning any of this has exactly increased my desire to date anyone here, but that's not what I came for. I came to pry this mind of mine open and, dammit, I will!
(Disclaimer: Obviously not everyone has sex the first night they meet someone they like and it's definitely a minority of people that date their cousins. My point is just that these things are common and accepted in the culture.)
Anyway, there you have it, folks! Some cultural tidbits for you. Enjoy!
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